I haven’t been in China for very long, but I have learned some pretty important lessons in my 3.5 weeks here. You might be surprised you never thought of these yourself. Or you might be, like, a little mad that these are not valuable lessons for you at all. But here you are, and here they are!

Lesson 1: on the proper utilization of a squatty toilet…

First of all, let’s get something out of the way: you might have heard that in Asia, toilets are often holes in the floor. That is not true! I want to set the record straight right now and let everyone know that they are in fact porcelain holes in the floor, with a flusher. Usually. Sometimes they are actually just holes, though.

From the time they can walk until the day they die, Chinese people squat over the potty with their feet flat on the ground. As Westerners, we lose this ability when we stop squatting as children and start sitting in chairs, so by about 12 our tendons won’t stretch that far anymore. In Asia, the flat-footed squat is not only the preferred position for toilet-use, but also a resting position for chilling. No bench in the park or on the subway? Chillin on the sidewalk with your buddies and want to rest your weary legs? No problem!  Assume the squatty position.

Lessons for the OG version of the squatty potty:

1. You will probably need to bring along your on TP, which you’re supposed to throw in the trash after use. DO NOT TRANSPORT THE TP IN YOUR PANTS POCKET. When you go to reach for it, you will quickly realize that it is inaccessible. Best to stick it down your shirt, on your head, under your arm, or wherever else that is not your pants pocket, front or back.
2. This kind of goes without saying, but keep your balance. If you fall, let’s just say, that’s like worst-case scenario.
3. Find another place for your phone (and/or bag) when you go into the squatty potty room. Like, not your back pocket. Also there’s usually no hook for purses in these restrooms, so if you have to bring your purse or phone (pro-tip: don’t), you’ll be balancing that, too.
4. If you don’t aim right, no worries! That’s why every porcelain (plastic) hole in the ground comes with a hose, or a bucket of water with a ladle, for you to water down the floor after you do your business.
5. Not really a tip, but now you know one potential reason as to why it is customary to remove one’s shoes in Asian homes.

In case anybody is wondering, our apartment does come with a Western toilet. As always, we look for an authentic experience when we live abroad, but not quite that authentic. We’ve gotta draw the line somewhere, people. The only other place I’ve seen a Western toilet was at the foreigner bar we went to on Friday night last week — a very welcome surprise, indeed.

Lesson 2: on a well-run fire drill…

This one might seem a little random. When I was in primary school, our fire drills involved lining up, walking outside, waiting for about 15 minutes until everyone had evacuated the school, and then we heard an announcement and went back inside. In China, it’s a little different. And I think they do it right. Today I had the pleasure of witnessing this event in action.

First, all the kids took the little red sash they wear around their necks or a tissue (which they all have for when they eat) and put it over their face. As usual, I had no idea what was going on, having not understood the preceding announcement over the loudspeaker. But immediately my curiosity was piqued because I saw this:

Thank goodness my Chinese-English coteacher told me it was a “… rehearsal? for …fire?” I am not required to participate in these school events that appear to pop up out of nowhere on a weekly basis, but I often do for my amusement (and to curry favor with the principal, who likes to see me interacting with the kids). Anyway, the kids all ran outside in an orderly fashion, ducking down, as if dodging smoke:

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I would really like to know what the teachers were telling them. I was pretty convinced that they looked like they were running from a real fire. Bravo. The whole thing was then followed by an outdoor school assembly which involved a speech by the … fire marshal?

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Oh, and I almost forgot the icing on the cake. There were sirens. Fire sirens.

Next week there’s a field trip to a farm. You can bet I will be there.

Lesson 3: On the consumption of pig feet…

Spoiler alert: don’t eat pig feet.

I had the unlucky occasion to be served pig feet for lunch the other day, along with some steamed cabbage, and a side of pickled cabbage. My Chinese-English coteacher, who guided me through the fire “rehearsal,” informed me that “eating pig’s skin… is good for your skin.” So I thought, well, nobody looks a day over 21 here, so I might as well give their ancient Chinese medicine a shot!

Do you see that healthy serving of pigs feet at the top right of my tray? Yeah, 90% bone. 5% fat, 3% some kind of soft tendon, and 2% meat. I was hungry, so I ate the fat, tendon and meat (and the excessive amounts of cabbage, beans? and rice). 4 hours later I was stumbling home with a funny feeling in my stomach, seriously regretting my decision to be adventurous that day.

Luckily I have a rather short digestive system. So by 10PM I was all better! Hooray! Needless to say I won’t be seeking out pig feet in the foreseeable future.

 

Want to try to change my mind? Please! Or, do you have any unexpected lessons you’ve learned from being/living abroad? I would love to hear them!